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Thread: The Jokes and Gag thread

  1. #401
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    The old Dozer driver finally quit his job after twenty years , got a job in the city , working in the sewers, he reckoned that after you got used to the smell it was’nt a bad job . He dedicated himself to recognise most of the turds that came floating by.
    He was interviewed by the press about this amazing work ethic , “How do you do it “, they asked, I’ll give you a demo he answered, See that beige jomby bobbing along there, it belongs to the bloke from the dog pound , you can tell by the dog hairs all over it, and that one there is from a chocolate freek, see the remains of a mars bar wrapper, Oh and this next one is from my wife, how in the world can you tell asked the reporter , That’s my lunch tied to it he replied.

  2. #402
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
    Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"
    "Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.
    Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"
    "Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.
    "Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
    "Ummm... I don't know," she admits.
    "Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.
    The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
    "Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

  3. #403
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    I walked into the pub earlier and shouted,
    "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!"
    There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude.
    About half an hour later the landlord smiled,
    "That was some gesture," before presenting me with a bar bill for £536.
    "ing hell mate," I protested,
    "I said I'd like to... I never said I could actually afford it."

  4. #404
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    An Irishman was lying on the side of the road covered in blood after being run over by a bus. "Are you okay?" I said, with a concerned tone. "Whereabouts are you bleeding from?"
    "Well," said the Irishman, "Seeing as you're asking, I'm from Donegal.

  5. #405
    Building Site Manager Stock's Avatar
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    OOOOH! Welshmen




    Druid you have a lot to deal with...................................
    A driven man with a burning passion.

  6. #406
    Building Site Manager v8druid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stock View Post



    Druid you have a lot to deal with...................................

    could be any one of a number of some of my old customers from Murffa !!! LMFAO Sock
    If it's got tracks, wheels, t*ts, or an engine, at some point it's gonna give you trouble!!

  7. #407
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake.

  8. #408
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    Wee joke
    Attached Images Attached Images

  9. #409
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    Famous ANC encounter

    Nelson Mandela had not long been released after 28 years in prison, sitting on his terrace enjoying a beer a truck pulled up, the oriental driver shouted up, 50 Skyline Rear axles! Mandela very confused shouted down "sorry not here".
    The next day the same truck and driver turned up and shouted up to Mandela, "20 Terrano clutch plates"!
    Mandela shouted down " I told you yesterday, not here".

    Two days later the same truck and driver turned up at the Mandela residence, the driver shouted up 75 Patrol exhaust boxes.
    Nelson by this time was getting very angry and shouted down to the truck driver, "Look I don't know what the hell you want so just F**K off and leave me alone".
    The oriental truck driver shouted back "You not Nissan Maindealer"
    No trees were harmed creating this message, however some electrons were very inconvenienced.

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