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Thread: The Sump Jokes

  1. #1
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    The Sump Jokes

    When George Burns was 97 years old he was
    interviewed by Oprah Winfrey . Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much
    energy with you? You are always working
    and at your age I think that
    is remarkable."

    Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of
    myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

    Oprah said, "I
    understand you still do the sex thing, even at your
    age."

    George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and
    I am quite good at it..."

    Oprah said, "I have never been
    with an older man, would you do it with me?"

    So they had
    sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been
    so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

    George said, "The
    second time is even better than the first time."

    Oprah
    said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

    George
    said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left
    hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty
    minutes..."

    When she woke him up, they again had great sex,
    and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

    She said, "Oh Mr
    Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be
    better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh
    My!!!"

    George said that the third time would be even
    better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your
    right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

    Oprah said,
    "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
    batteries?"

    George said, "No, but the last time I had sex
    with a black woman she stole my
    wallet."


  2. #2
    Building Site Manager Stock's Avatar
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    This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Commonwealth Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! probably written by Iain

    Dear Mr. Minister,
    I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this, How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
    For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.
    It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that
    my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely ****ing astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...
    SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we have to provide?? I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I ' m really pissed off this morning.
    Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****ing address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there and another thing, look at my damn picture...? Do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan
    on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
    Well, I have to go now, ' cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too ****ing easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our ****ing heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society '****er' to confirm me in a photo.. You know the photo... the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! .... You ****ing morons.
    Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting me identified....
    Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I ' m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
    However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" verify who I am; you know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN !!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".
    You are all ****ing idiots!
    A driven man with a burning passion.

  3. #3
    Ganger Wazza's Avatar
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    Excellent ,I know exactly how he feels ,stupid public service @#$&@#s ,and many of them have a very limited grasp of the English language ....

  4. #4
    Building Site Manager Stock's Avatar
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    I believe you folks from the wrong side of the planet will understand this ..................................

    You know you’re Australian if ... * You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something. * You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional. * You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.' * You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. * You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. * You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. * You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. * You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. * You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. * You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. * You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. * Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course. * You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice". * You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year. * You wear ugg boots outside the house. * You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance. * You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. * Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. * You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. * You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. * You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. * You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. * You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc. * You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are. * You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can. * You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume. * You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it. * You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad. * You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. * You understand what no wucking furries means. * You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie
    A driven man with a burning passion.

  5. #5
    Ganger Wazza's Avatar
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    Struth and bloody hell Stock surely you are an Aussie in disguise ,no wucking furries and chuck another Roo on the barbie mate ..

  6. #6
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    Strewth Stocko ,Ya got that one Right !!!!!!.

  7. #7
    Building Site Manager Stock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wazza View Post
    Struth and bloody hell Stock surely you are an Aussie in disguise ,no wucking furries and chuck another Roo on the barbie mate ..

    Yaaaaahhhh and you still won't let me in..............
    A driven man with a burning passion.

  8. #8
    Brickies Mate Dan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stock View Post
    Yaaaaahhhh and you still won't let me in..............
    Oh yeah ? why not what ya done lad ?

  9. #9
    Building Site Manager Stock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan View Post
    Oh yeah ? why not what ya done lad ?

    I've done nought .........................maybe I need too...............you know like their ancestors..................
    A driven man with a burning passion.

  10. #10
    Ganger Wazza's Avatar
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    Just go to Indonesia and its a short leaky boat ride to Christmas Island ,from there you are assured free transfer to the mainland + free food and board + free movies + free phone calls + other fringe benefits ,Shit half the working poor already residents of this country would be better off claiming asylum here ..

    An easier method might be to fly in and overstay your visa like 60,000+ other Illegals that no one can find apparently ,where are they hiding ?? ,
    possibly in the CBD of Melbourne and Sydney driving Taxi cabs ............

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