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Thread: The Sump Jokes

  1. #111
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    The Perfect Answer!!
    I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed my wife.
    "I'm really disappointed."
    "You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you.”
    "Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it”

  2. #112
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.
    After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize.
    Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"
    "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.
    The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in.










  3. #113
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."
    The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."
    The man tries it, and is cured.
    Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"
    The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."
    Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"
    "You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."
    "But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."

  4. #114
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. . . Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol." Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad. . ? uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle

  5. #115
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    A middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
    The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
    After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
    "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
    "How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet

  6. #116
    Tartan paint and sky hook specialist Muz's Avatar
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    I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
    Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help lots of others, which is why we exist

  7. #117
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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  8. #118
    Tartan paint and sky hook specialist Muz's Avatar
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    Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help lots of others, which is why we exist

  9. #119
    Building Site Manager ianoz's Avatar
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    On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
    The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
    The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
    The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
    "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
    Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
    He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
    She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
    He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
    At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
    He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

  10. #120
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    A loong time ago, Adam and Eve, you know the first people on the planet, started to feel like having sex. 1st time. It`s always scary.

    Gradually Adam started to have his first erection and since it was the first time he shouted to Eve: ”Dear, as a precaution, take some distance because I don`t know how big its going be”

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