The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

The O'Malleys is going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready , all dolled up , but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver:' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother'.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' says O'Malley. ' but the stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to stop her scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard. She better not crap in the vegetable garden again !'

The silence in the cab was deafening

[Stock]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy,
"this is her husband!"

[Stock]

Paddy was walking down the street,when he saw Mick carrying a sack. When they met up, he asked, "What have got in that there sack?" Mick replied, "Just some chickens." Paddy said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" Mick answered, "I'll give ye both of them if you get it right." So, Paddy thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

[Stock]

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

[Stock]

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT! right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little b*****d!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again -- SPLBL BLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad!
"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off! he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have those."
How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT’."

[Stock]

O'Malley meets Mick at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Mick says, "Hey O'Malley, what's wrong?" says,O'Malley "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie only'. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

[Stock]

Paddy and Mick shared first prize of €500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.

"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," Mick said with a worried frown, "what will we do with all them beggin' letters?"

"Aah to be shure," said Paddy, "we'll just go on sending 'em out."

[Stock]

Paddy is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

Paddy thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a **** sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.Paddy starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

Paddy says, "I want two more of these."

[Stock]

O' Malley and a friend leave the pub. O' Malley says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'.

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies O' Malley.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while O' Malley keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, O' Malley shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout instructs O' Malley .

[Stock]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler named O'Malley were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the O'Malley trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The O'Malley nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the O'Malley and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing O'Malley and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and O'Malley collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got O'Malley alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The O'Malley answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."


The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?"


"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own b*****" !!!.

[Stock]

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?" O'Malley rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what
happened." "Go ahead, O'Malley. Take the stand.
"O'Malley explained, " your honour as per tradition, I as the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so we danced too a second song, and then the music kept going some more so we danced fer a third song,den all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt? Hurt! god you'll never know how it hurt " replied O'Malley , "Da hoor broke three of ma fingers!"

[Stock]

O'Malley was walking home from the pub one night when, lo and behold, he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in his stare, and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom.
"Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you O'Malley, O'Reily will get twofold!"

Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Malley, in fact they hate each other, but O'Malley agrees.

"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Malley is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.

Suddenly inspiration hits him. "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

[Stock]

O'Malley & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" O'Malley: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

O'Malley goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". O'Malley says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


O'Malley was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' O'Malley answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'

[Stock]

O' Malley and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.

No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, O'Malley' wife is begins to deliver the baby.

The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, will ya!

Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"O Malley, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..." Before O'Malley can finish the Doctor interrupts,"Wait a minute.

Hold the lantern, Come on quick!!!.

" Soon the doctor delivers the next child.

"You've a full set now, O'Malley.

A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, " Jeesus Hold the lantern, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.

The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks O Malley, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

[Stock]

An O'Malley's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.