Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Jokes and Gag thread

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Little April was asleep in class so the teacher decided to try and catch her out, April said the teacher who made the world? her little friend Johhny seeing her asleep decided to help her Jabbing her in the back with a pen GOD ALMIGHTY! she shouts. Later on still trying to catch her the teacher the teacher asks who is our saviour once again Johhny jabs with the pen and April exclaimed JESUS CHRIST! Deciding to try one more time teacher asks what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child, coming to the rescue Johhny jabs once again with the pen and April shouts 'if you stick that thing in me once again I"ll break in two and stick it up your arse', with that the teacher fainted.



    A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a jointwhen a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
    "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
    The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
    So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
    After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
    The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
    A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
    "What's the matter with you?"
    The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
    The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
    "Hey you!"
    The koala looked down at him and said,
    "Shiiiiiiiiiiit,dude.....
    How much water did you drink?!!"
    A driven man with a burning passion.

    Comment


    • #17
      The UK gets inundated with Polish guys in construction

      Comment


      • #18
        LOve it ..............
        A driven man with a burning passion.

        Comment


        • #19
          London Olympics 2012


          London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

          You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

          OPENING CEREMONY
          The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

          THE EVENTS
          In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

          100 METRES SPRINT
          Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

          110 METRES HURDLES
          As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

          HAMMER
          Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

          FENCING
          Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

          SHOOTING
          A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

          BOXING
          Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

          CYCLING TIME TRIALS
          Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

          CYCLING PURSUIT
          As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

          MODERN PENTATHLON
          Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

          SWIMMING EVENTS
          All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

          THE MARATHON
          A safe route has yet to be decided.

          MEN'S 50KM WALK
          Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

          THE CLOSING CEREMONY
          Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
          A driven man with a burning passion.

          Comment


          • #20
            An email I got and well I had to share............




            This is hilarious!






































            A driven man with a burning passion.

            Comment


            • #21
              Part two










              A driven man with a burning passion.

              Comment


              • #22
                Hey Mate , More dreaded red boxes.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Yep I see broken links must have been copied & pasted without digital rights crap ? .. try copying it to a local folder on your C drive then reposting it .. that sometimes works
                  Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    image001.jpgimage002.jpgimage003.jpgimage004.jpgimage005.jpgimage006.jpgimage007.jpgimage008.jpgimage009.jpgimage010.jpg
                    A driven man with a burning passion.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      image012.jpgimage013.jpgimage014.jpgimage015.jpgimage016.jpgimage017.jpgimage018.jpgimage019.jpg
                      A driven man with a burning passion.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Hehe good man some good uns in there .. I have an iphone too and have ended up sending some real corkers to my mates as well .......
                        Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          O Malley's mother Maude and friend are outside the O Malley home, having a drink and a smoke,when it starts to rain. Mrs O Malley's friend pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
                          puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
                          Maude: What in the hell is that?
                          Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
                          Maude: Where did you get it?
                          Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
                          The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
                          to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
                          The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
                          (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
                          asks what brand of condom she prefers.
                          'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
                          The pharmacist fainted.
                          A driven man with a burning passion.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            O'Malley is lying in bed in the hospital,
                            wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
                            heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
                            procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
                            partial sponge bath.
                            Nurse', he mumbles in a thick irish brogue, from behind the mask 'Are my
                            testicles black?'
                            Embarrassed, the young nurse replies in a prim London accent...
                            Sir! I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
                            He struggles to ask again, "jeasus Nurse, are my testicles
                            black?'
                            Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
                            about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
                            and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
                            She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
                            his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
                            around.
                            Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
                            nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
                            With that O'Malley pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
                            says very slowly,
                            'Tank ya very much t'was wonderful, but listen
                            very, very closely......
                            ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
                            A driven man with a burning passion.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              How The Internet Got Started

                              In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.



                              And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"



                              And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"



                              And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."



                              Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).



                              And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.



                              And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.



                              And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."



                              And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.



                              Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).



                              That is how it all began. And that's the truth
                              A driven man with a burning passion.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                O'Malley' s Twin maiden Aunts who lived in St. Luke's Nursing Home were about to turn one hundred years old.

                                The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the ladies.

                                One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

                                The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

                                "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"
                                , said the other.

                                "Now ... get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

                                Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

                                "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

                                So they wiggled up close to each other.

                                "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

                                Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

                                "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

                                With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
                                A driven man with a burning passion.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X