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  • #31
    Catholic horses
    One day at the trackplaying the ponies and all but losing his shirt Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out on the track and blessed the forehead ofone of the horses lining up for the next race '
    Lo and behold.that horse a very long shot ,won the race .. Before the next race ,the preist stepped out and made a blessing on the forehead of another horse .Mitch made a bee linr to the betting window ,and placed a small bet on thst horse ,another long shot .Again the blessed horse won the race .Mitch continued to watch the priest bless a horse in each following race and he kept placing more and more money on each blessed horse ,And they just kept winning .. Mitch had a very sizeable amount of winning , so on such a hot streak ,he went over to the ATM and withdrew all his saving .
    True to his pattern ,the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day .
    Mitch observed the priest blessing the eyes ,the ears and the hooves of the old nag .Mitcth knew he was on a winner ,and bet every last cent onthe old Nag
    He then watched Dumbfounded as the old nag came in dead last .Mitch in a stste of shockmade his way down to the track area where the priest was .
    Confronting the old priest he demanded "Father ! What happened ?. All day long you have been blessing horses and they all won .Then the last race ,The horse you blessed lost by a country mile .Now ,thanks to you ,I have lost every cent of my savinds ,ALL of it "
    The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy . Son , he said. Thats the problem with you protestants , You can't tell the differencebetween a simple blessing and last rites .

    Comment


    • #32
      A husband walks into a Victoria's secret lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife . He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price ,the more sheer ,the higher the price .
      Naturally he opts for the most sheer item ,pays the $500 and takes it home'
      He presents it to his wife and asks her to go up stairs ,put it on and model it for him .
      Upstairs the wife thinks ,I have ab idea ,It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing .I won;t put it on ,but i'll do the modelling naked ,return it tomorrow ,and keep the $500 refund for myself . She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose .
      The husband says .Good Grief , You would think for $500 they'd atleast iron it .

      He never heard the shot .Funeral on thursday at noon . Closed coffin .

      Comment


      • #33
        Thirty-one years ago, old man O'Malley, a North Kerry mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush, then that afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for O'Malley for 31 years...

        Mrs O'Malley was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
        The O'Malley calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' .

        After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
        > He begins to worry.
        > 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
        > 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
        > 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
        > 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
        > 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
        > 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
        > 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
        > She whispers in his ear
        > 'That's me before the surgery.' ...



        ***********************************************
        Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'


        ********************************************

        Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


        One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


        After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
        He begins to worry.
        'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
        'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
        'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
        'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
        'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
        'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
        A driven man with a burning passion.

        Comment


        • #34
          LOLz
          Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

          Comment


          • #35
            For the land down under.........................

            A young O'malley from the Queensland branch of the family goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
            He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
            They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

            'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

            'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
            in the course.'

            So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

            About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
            'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

            'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
            They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

            'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

            'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

            The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
            his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

            So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

            'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

            'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

            Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
            kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

            'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

            The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

            'I sure did, Dad!'

            'That's my boy!'

            The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
            A driven man with a burning passion.

            Comment


            • #36


              I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

              The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

              Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

              The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit ***.

              Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

              My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

              Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
              A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

              Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
              Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words.............
              B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

              Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

              Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

              On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
              Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

              Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

              I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
              Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

              The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

              Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
              A driven man with a burning passion.

              Comment


              • #37
                Family Planning Advice

                Saw this on FB thought it was good

                299.jpg
                Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by Muz View Post
                  Saw this on FB thought it was good

                  [ATTACH=CONFIG]275[/ATTACH]
                  Thats the NHS for you .. anything to make a saving these days
                  What you looking at ? ..

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Well that stock fella ain't the only one with the jokes
                    Was not little johnny for a change

                    The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
                    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775,' he said.

                    'Very good!'

                    ... Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

                    Again, no response, except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln,1863.'

                    'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'Let's try one a bit more difficult...'
                    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

                    Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961.'
                    The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves; Little Hodiaki isn't from this country, and he knows more about our history than you do.'

                    She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs.'

                    'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded..

                    Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur,1945.'

                    At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

                    The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?'

                    Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

                    Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

                    Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

                    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

                    Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

                    The teacher fainted.

                    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

                    Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011!'

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      A blonde orders a beer , The bartender slides the beer down the bar ,where it hits her boobs spilling all over them .. Bartender comes over and licks the beer off her boobs .



                      Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer,a guy decides to help the bartender out.
                      The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!




                      He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?'

                      'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one....



                        A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in front of the Pierre Hotel in New York City.

                        The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

                        The woman said "What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

                        "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

                        "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

                        "Well, I am looking and looking and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money
                        to be paying me with?"
                        A driven man with a burning passion.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          AFTER NEARLY AN HOUR of "just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint-store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
                          "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
                          "Don't come back here," he begged.

                          WE WERE STAYING at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us.
                          Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is."
                          The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer."
                          Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?"
                          "Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

                          MY PARENTS, who are real do-it-your-selfers, were sprucing up their basement. They picked out bright orange shag carpeting and then spread it over our lawn in order to measure and cut it. The neighbors watched curiously. After a while, the teenage daughter of one neighbor spoke up. "Our family has taken a vote," she said. "I've been elected to tell you that if we have any voice in this, we would prefer you leave your lawn the color it is."


                          I LOVE TO WORK with wood and decided to carve a rocking horse for our unborn grandchild. As parts of the horse were shaped, my intentions became clear to my next-door neighbor. "You must be about to have a grandchild," he called over to me.
                          "Our first," I replied, beaming.
                          "I have six," he went on. "After the first two, you'll buy something plastic at Wal-Mart."

                          MY FRIEND JACKIE, a busy mother of five boys, frequently did maintenance jobs on her house. One day, after hours on a ladder painting the upper windows, she complained to her husband that she'd felt dizzy. For her next birthday she received some scaffolding.

                          A BLONDE, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
                          "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
                          The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
                          The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
                          The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
                          The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
                          A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
                          "You're finished already?" he asked.
                          "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
                          Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
                          "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
                          AN ANGRY MOTORIST went back to a garage where he'd purchased a battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the garage owner, "when I bought the battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months."
                          "Sorry," the garage owner apologized. "I didn't think your car would last nay longer than that."

                          AFTER A TWO-WEEK VACATION, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'd had.
                          "I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house," he groaned.
                          "Does she do that often?"
                          "Well," he replied, "when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room was nine by twelve. Now it's eight by eleven!"

                          A GUY WALKS INTO the local NAPA store and asks "can I get a wiper blade for a Yugo"?
                          The clerk replies, "Sounds like a good trade to me".

                          HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL
                          1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
                          2. Drink a cup of coffee.
                          3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
                          1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
                          2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
                          3. Open a beer and drink it.
                          4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
                          5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
                          6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
                          7. Place drain pan under engine.
                          8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
                          9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
                          10. Unscrew drain plug.
                          11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
                          12. Clean up.
                          13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
                          14. Look for oil filter wrench.
                          15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
                          16. Beer.
                          17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
                          18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
                          19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
                          20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
                          21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
                          22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
                          23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
                          24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
                          25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
                          26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
                          27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
                          28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
                          29. Begin cussing fit.
                          30. Throw wrench.
                          31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
                          32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
                          33. Beer.
                          34. Beer.
                          35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
                          36. Beer.
                          37. Lower car from jack stands.
                          38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
                          39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
                          40. Drive car.
                          A DO-IT-YOURSELF enthusiast has been banned by his wife from taking on any more tasks after causing about $30,000 of damage. Christopher Andrews, 21, a pensions administrator, has left a trail of destruction in their two-bedroom terrace house in Wiltshire, south-west England.
                          While trying to change a washer on a tap, he went up into the loft to look for the stop-crock and disconnected two pipes, flooding the house. He later returned to the loft to look for the television aerial and crashed through the ceiling, showering plaster on his wife who was ironing.
                          When he wanted to lay a carpet in the bedroom, he knocked out the light bringing the roll of material into the house. He cut a large hole in the carpet rather than move the bed. Andrews once blacked both his eyes when a wheel brace slipped as he tried to change a punctured tire on the couple’s car.
                          He ruined a kitchen work surface by trimming off so much of it to make it fit that it ended up far too small. In his hands the electric drill becomes a dangerous weapon. He cut his leg badly when he dropped the drill as he tried to rehang a broken garden gate. Then, while trying to put up a coat rack in the hall, he drilled through an electric cable sending out sparks that set fire to the curtains.
                          This made him more safety conscious. When he decided to put some speakers on the walls he turned off the electricity. Then, unable to understand why his electric drill had stopped working, he took it apart to see if he could fix the fault. Having failed to find anything wrong with it, he tried to put it back together again but by then he had forgotten where all the pieces went. He went out and bought another drill and was about to take it back because it didn’t work when his wife arrived home and reminded him that he had turned off the electricity.
                          Mrs Andrews, a job training manager, said she had had enough. "Chris will have a go at absolutely anything," she said. "But in his case DIY stands for Dangerously Incompetent Yob’."

                          A driven man with a burning passion.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
                            I woke this morning with a huge correction.


                            The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy


                            My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
                            I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......


                            I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names
                            at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


                              Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
                              She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


                              I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
                                Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
                                About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.Could we please do it one more time?'Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
                                Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
                                After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns,until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

                                Comment

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