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  • A driven man with a burning passion.

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    • IRISH FARMER ANSWERS TAX DEMAND

      Below is text from an actual letter received by the Revenue
      Commissioners at Co. Longford, Ireland, from a farmer in reply to a
      final income tax demand.


      Dear Sirs,

      Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have
      given my son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy
      reflection of thought the account could have been settled long ago,
      and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here is the reason.

      In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine
      harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two
      cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

      In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
      thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium lapsed. One of
      the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who
      starved the poor bugger to death.

      In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to
      marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant
      and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

      In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to
      be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the
      Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons,
      neither being the ****ing eunuch who was by now wearing his sister's
      make-up and dresses.
      Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest.
      They are now married and trying for children.

      In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me
      with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I
      married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her
      pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the
      doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment
      so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the
      moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the
      window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning
      I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow
      and killed the ****ing knacker who was in the hay loft with my
      daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
      did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

      The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned
      the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the
      drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a
      weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy
      for a time.

      This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
      bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon
      flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got VD from a
      land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on
      a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying my sheep.

      It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I
      don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like
      to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to
      butter a hedgehog's hole backwards with a knitting needle. I'm praying
      for a cloud of cat shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on
      you and the b*****ds in your office who sent me this final demand.

      Yours for more credit,

      John Murphy
      A driven man with a burning passion.

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      • This better not happen tomorrow night when I get back........................... note too oneself RING FIRST.............

        A driven man with a burning passion.

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        • A driven man with a burning passion.

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          • Ian's house.....................

            A driven man with a burning passion.

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            • At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
              Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.! The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

              They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

              'Do you want to go up or down?'

              All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

              When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best s*x that he'd had in years.

              They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

              He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

              There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

              This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

              She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

              The woman replied, 'Down.'

              A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

              She replied, 'Up.'

              This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

              'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
              She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
              f**k or drown.'
              A driven man with a burning passion.

              Comment


              • Murphy says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife. The whole street was watchin' an' laffin' yesterday. Paddy responds, "Well, the joke's on them...I wasn't even home yesterday!"



                Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

                Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.

                He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

                Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

                Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them."

                Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

                He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?
                A driven man with a burning passion.

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                • A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
                  One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
                  The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
                  It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
                  The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
                  "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
                  "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
                  Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
                  "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
                  "We have some other boring tour to go on.
                  So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
                  "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
                  "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
                  "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
                  A driven man with a burning passion.

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                  • Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

                    He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

                    She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”

                    The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

                    She says, “That he did, Father …”

                    The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

                    She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
                    A driven man with a burning passion.

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                    • Great stuff Stock ,Certainly put a smile on my dial .

                      Comment


                      • I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
                        I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.



                        A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his lawyer that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.
                        'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his lawyer.
                        'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.



                        'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'

                        'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'

                        'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.
                        A driven man with a burning passion.

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                        • Susan loved growing tomatoes , but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red . One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon Ross her neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes..


                          Susan asked Ross, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
                          Ross responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
                          Well, Susan was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
                          One day Ross was passing by and asked Susan, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red "
                          No", Susan replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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                          • A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

                            The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me wiener a bit larger?"

                            Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

                            He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

                            The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"
                            A driven man with a burning passion.

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                            • Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
                              Paddy says, " Bollox, feck, shite I have I have but it's for dry hair and I've
                              just wet mine."
                              A driven man with a burning passion.

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                              • Q. How do you know when you have a jet plane full of English people?
                                A. When they turn off the engine you can still hear the whining


                                An English man visits his GP and says, “Every time I go on holiday, my wife gets pregnant.
                                Went to France and she got pregnant.
                                Went to Ireland and she got pregnant a second time.
                                Went to Spain and she got pregnant a third time.”

                                The doctor is a bit surprised and says, “Have you thought of using some protection to avoid this?”

                                The man replies, “No, but I’ve been thinking that maybe next time I should take her with me.”
                                A driven man with a burning passion.

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