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The Sump Jokes

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  • #16
    I was sitting at a stop light yesterday,minding my own business,waiting on it to turn green.



    A carload of bearded,young, loud Muslims,

    shouting anti-American slogans,with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car

    and a "Remember9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,stopped next to me.



    The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,

    shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.



    Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car,crushing it completely,killing everyone in the car.



    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

    "Man...that could have been me!"



    So today;bright and early,I went out and got a job

    as a truck driver.

    Comment


    • #17
      I am a truck driver but I'd take the same view of any terrorists ofcourse
      Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

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      • #18
        A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on“Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

        Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


        He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

        She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”.....

        It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom............

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        • #19
          This one worked OK .

          Quote of the Year!!!

          Judge to Prostitute:
          "When did you realize you were raped?"
          Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."

          Comment


          • #20
            you gotta luv the irish!!
            Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
            'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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            • #21
              I got a smile out of this one .
              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwYuK...layer_embedded

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              • #22
                Well not really a joke ,apart from the fact someone in high places decided this was a good idea
                177169-cane-toad-poison-banned.jpg

                Comment


                • #23
                  An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
                  All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.
                  After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
                  ...
                  ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
                  ''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
                  ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
                  You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
                  ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.
                  ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old.
                  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro' !
                  There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.
                  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor' !
                  There's a dentist here -- 90 years old..
                  He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor !
                  And me --
                  "I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'That @@@@in' Arab".

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    The Arab and the Scotsman

                    An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
                    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,diamonds & US dollars.A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
                    A driven man with a burning passion.

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                    • #25
                      Was in the pub last nite and saw 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said 'hello are you 2 girls from Scotland'? 'One of them screamed 'It's WALES you @@@@ing idiot'! So i immediatly apologised and said 'Sorry are you 2 wales from Scotland'?

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                      • #26
                        Golf Panties.

                        The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball,
                        a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

                        "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole
                        demanded.

                        "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.
                        The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the
                        sake of decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some
                        underwear.


                        Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
                        also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

                        She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
                        Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's
                        a $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"


                        Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over
                        her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.
                        "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

                        She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd
                        any."
                        The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

                        Comment


                        • #27


                          RODEO SEX

                          Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
                          positions.


                          One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
                          "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy,"what is it?"
                          "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

                          Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
                          whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

                          Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

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                          • #28
                            The Perfect Password

                            A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
                            The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was
                            entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

                            P...E...N...I...S
                            His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

                            **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****

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                            • #29
                              Robin Williams on how the Scotts invented Golf .
                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4

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                              • #30
                                http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/
                                A driven man with a burning passion.

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