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Thread: The Sump Jokes

  1. #81
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    Joke of the Hour
    A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
    "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
    "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
    "Do you live around here?" she asked.
    "Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
    Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
    With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
    As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
    The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"



  2. #82
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    Little Johnny was out in the car with his dad one day, when they came across a dead cow on it's back with it's legs in the air. The little boy was understandably upset, so his dad trying to console him, explained the dead cow was like that so God could pick it up by the feet and take it up to heaven. Johnny felt a little better.

    A few days later the Dad drives home from work and before he could get to his front door little Johnny is running towards his Dad very excited.

    What's wrong said the Dad, We nearly lost Mummy today said Johnny; she was upstairs naked on the bed shouting "Oh God, Oh God I'm coming" but only for the Milkman on top she would have been gone!!

  3. #83
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    Good one JMB.

  4. #84
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
    A sign read: 'Don't Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
    There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
    Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
    Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

    The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

    Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
    'Don't Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
    He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
    He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

    This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
    The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
    The crowd went wild!
    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

    'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
    Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

    'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

  5. #85
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    n elderly lady recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
    brought his ashes home.

    Picking up the urn that he was in,
    she poured him out on the patio table..

    Then, while tracing
    her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him........

    "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
    Insurance money!"

    She paused for a minute tracing her
    fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me?
    Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
    The ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
    Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
    blow job I promised you?"

    "Here it comes."

  6. #86
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

  7. #87
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

    The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

    Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

    Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

    "Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.

  8. #88
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    A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not *** but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

    The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

    ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

    ''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

    ''Keep going!''

    I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. ****! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

    She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

    I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and **** there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

    She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

    ''What next?'' begged the bartender.

    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

    Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

    I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

  9. #89
    Quantity Surveyor on the up ianoz's Avatar
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    A family were driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry.....that was just an insect." To which Johnny replies "I'm surprised it could get off the f ucking ground with a cock like THAT........!!"

  10. #90
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    A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
    The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
    The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
    The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
    The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
    1/3 ownership in the shop ....
    A company car...
    Five home cooked dinners a week ..
    And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

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