The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.





The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower Older Smarter.

[Wazza]

Be careful out there....

IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 ,and he said 'NOOO, it's not, Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since..



IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing .'





IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.




IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'




IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO {Australian Tax Office}.



IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

[ianoz]

Still don't gert this one .

[ianoz]

A young boy and his father are at a park and happen to come across two dogs having sex, curiousity strikes the boy and he asks his father what they are doing, dad says they are making puppies and away the go. Later that night the boy awakens frightened from a nightmare and goes to his parents room for comforting and catches them having sex, curiousity strikes again and he asked his father what he was doing, we are you making you a little brother says the father. Quite pissed, the little boys hollers, ROLL HER OVER!!!, I want a puppy!!!

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Stock , Which of your best mates sent that to you .

[jackpreacher]

There are three mice in the airing cupboard.

Which one is Scottish?



















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.......the one on the pipes..............

[Stock]

Deductive Reasoning
Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create
opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.
Raked the leaves today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.
Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving
birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come
up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It
might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, have you ever heard a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

[Stock]

[Stock]

[245dlc]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSo4jNam2VQ

[245dlc]

Another old one from the nineties.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBMnvXrdPmA

[245dlc]

And episode of my favorite show...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Xqf0vitYfo

[Gridley]

Nothing personal,just the first name on the forum.

There were three little dwarfs sitting around one day talking about the Guineas Book of World Records. The one said he bet he had the smallest hands in the world. So he runs into the library to read in the book if he is in there. A little while later he comes out smiling. The other two are all excited and ask him if he made the book. Yes I am in there! Yahoo!

Then next one says he thinks he has the smallest feet in the world. Same deal he runs in to check and a little while later he comes out smiling. Yahoo!! I have the smallest feet in the world!

So the third one thinks and says he thinks he has the smallest penis in the world. Bam, off he goes to check. A short time later he comes out with his head hanging down. The other two run up and say hey what's up?

He then says, " Either of you two know who Muz is?"

[jackpreacher]

There are three mice in the airing cupboard.

Which one is in the army??



















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.......the one on the tank.............