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Well we know that pic wasnt drawn by a farmer anyway
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An old woman was sitting on the porch with her husband of many years, sipping a glass of wine. She says, "I love you and don't know how I would get along without you." The husband says, "Was that you or the wine talking?" She says, "I was talking TO the wine
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be eight again' she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties! He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lo ly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you stupid idiot !!!' The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
Paddy, a brave Irish fighter ace, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Shannon. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Paddy, kiss me!" Paddy grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What da **** are you doing, Paddy?" says the startled Marie. "T'is Paddy I am , the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Paddy, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Paddy!! she shrieks What da **** are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. I am Paddy, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Paddy, kiss me ! much lower!" Paddy rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Shannon. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT da F**K was all that about you langer?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, and shouts for all to hear. "I am Paddy, the fighter pilot!" "If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use, I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram your honour, I drew two circles like this: O o, Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy, "And how did you do?"
"Well your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................
I'm getting too old to shop
I'm sending this note from the police station.
I had a little problem at the grocery store earlier today.
I was at the checkout and the cashier said "strip down, facing me".
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it
under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing."
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