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  • #31
    > A white guy is walking along a beach
    > when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
    > > He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
    > Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
    > wishes.

    > The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
    > genies disappear.
    > The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course
    > mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
    >
    > After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
    > explore this fabulous house.
    >
    > Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
    > he looks down and the floor is covered in $100
    > bills.
    >
    > Then, there's a knock at the door.
    > He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan

    > outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
    > limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
    >
    >
    >
    > As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two
    > blonde genies.
    >
    > One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
    > understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
    > mansion to make love to.
    >
    > I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
    > But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

    __________________
    A driven man with a burning passion.

    Comment


    • #32
      A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

      He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops
      expense!!

      Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'

      London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

      Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

      London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming...'

      Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
      registration, please.'

      London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

      Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

      London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

      Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

      The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
      A driven man with a burning passion.

      Comment


      • #33
        An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

        So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

        On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


        The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

        The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

        The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

        Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

        He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

        She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

        'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

        He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
        In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

        The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

        He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

        The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

        Why is it so cheap here?'

        The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.
        A driven man with a burning passion.

        Comment


        • #34
          SIMPLE TRUTH
          Partners help each other undress before sex.
          However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
          Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
          SIMPLE TRUTH
          When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats.”
          But, none of them come and touches the man's penis and say "Good job".
          Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.
          FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
          1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
          2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
          3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
          4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
          5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
          THERE YOU HAVE IT.

          Comment


          • #35
            A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
            The first little boy says, "Alligator."
            "Very good, that's a big word."

            The second boy says, "Predator."
            "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

            Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
            After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
            "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

            "Well my sister has one and she says it eats ****ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"




            __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________


            __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

            Comment


            • #36
              Three Daughters
              There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

              So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

              So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

              The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

              Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

              Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

              Comment


              • #37
                A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no armsand no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking

                past and felt sorry for the poor man.

                The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man

                said 'No,' so she gave him a hug, and then walked on.

                The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man

                said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss, and then walked on.

                The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'And ave ya ever been

                fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big, wide, smile and said, 'No'. She

                said, 'Aye - well ya will be when the tide comes in.'

                Comment


                • #38

                  Medical examination.........






                  While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart,
                  Lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets
                  You ladies into all kinds of trouble."







                  The lady started taking off her panties.....







                  Doctor, stopping her: "No! No No! Please put on your clothes. Just show
                  Me your tongue."






                  Comment


                  • #39
                    little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
                    of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

                    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
                    he wanted.




                    He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
                    money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.




                    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in

                    . Once in, she
                    told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
                    have any diseases?'




                    Of course the Madam said 'No'.



                    The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
                    after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

                    Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
                    the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.




                    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
                    minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
                    and headed out the door.




                    The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
                    the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'




                    He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
                    are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
                    that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby
                    sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

                    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
                    bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.



                    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
                    have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who
                    ran over my FROG!'


                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Guinness.
                      Barman asks, "What's wrong with Guinness?"
                      Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Guinness last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
                      Barman says "12 pints of anything costs the same."
                      Bloke replies "Skint is my dog"

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
                        She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman’s Friend.
                        On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
                        He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
                        They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
                        It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
                        Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
                        When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
                        Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
                        A driven man with a burning passion.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          A Northern Territory (Australia)farm hand, radios back to the farm
                          manager.

                          'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the
                          truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front
                          and is wriggling and squealing so bloody much, I can't get 'im out.

                          The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat in the
                          rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'

                          Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
                          Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
                          bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

                          'So what's the $%#@&* problem now mate?' raged the Manager. '

                          Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and
                          the bloody blue light wont stop flashing..'................ullo – you
                          still there Boss?

                          Comment


                          • #43

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent
                              years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak
                              English.
                              So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
                              He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
                              The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
                              "Tree."
                              The Priest is pleased with the response.
                              They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
                              Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
                              The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As

                              they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
                              The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
                              The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
                              The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized

                              and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
                              The chief replied,
                              "My bike."

                              ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.


























































































































                              Comment


                              • #45
                                A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
                                They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe ...it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
                                So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
                                Finally he staggered home, pissed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."
                                "But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'

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