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  • #76
    NURSING HOME POLICE

    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some males actually joined in.

    One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

    "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

    "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

    Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

    As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
    stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizeable erection.

    "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"

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    • #77
      guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

      The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

      The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

      The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

      The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F,uck!"

      She mumbles....

      "Get the bag. Get the bag.


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      • #78
        Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

        A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.


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        • #79
          The small girl was allowed to stay up for the start of her parent's dinner party with her mothers friends and as a treat was given the chance to say Grace.
          "But I don't know what to say" she whispered nervously to her mother. Her mother helped her out...."Just say what Daddy said before breakfast this morning. You remember, 'Oh God....."
          "Oh yes, I remember now," said the little girl, "Oh God, do we have to have those boring ****s round for dinner tonight?"


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          • #80
            A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar over his penis.


            A woman asks, 'What areyou?'







            He says, 'I'm a Fireman'.
            'But you're only wearing a glass jar.' says the woman.
            'Exactly!' says the man. 'In an emergency, break glass, pull knob andI'll comeas fast as I can!'

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            • #81
              Joke of the Hour
              A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
              Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
              "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
              "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
              "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
              "Do you live around here?" she asked.
              "Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
              Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
              With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
              As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
              The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"


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              • #82
                Little Johnny was out in the car with his dad one day, when they came across a dead cow on it's back with it's legs in the air. The little boy was understandably upset, so his dad trying to console him, explained the dead cow was like that so God could pick it up by the feet and take it up to heaven. Johnny felt a little better.

                A few days later the Dad drives home from work and before he could get to his front door little Johnny is running towards his Dad very excited.

                What's wrong said the Dad, We nearly lost Mummy today said Johnny; she was upstairs naked on the bed shouting "Oh God, Oh God I'm coming" but only for the Milkman on top she would have been gone!!

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                • #83
                  Good one JMB.

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
                    A sign read: 'Don't Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
                    There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
                    Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
                    Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

                    The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

                    Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
                    'Don't Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
                    He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
                    He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

                    This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
                    The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
                    The crowd went wild!
                    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

                    'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
                    Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

                    'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

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                    • #85
                      n elderly lady recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
                      brought his ashes home.

                      Picking up the urn that he was in,
                      she poured him out on the patio table..

                      Then, while tracing
                      her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him........

                      "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
                      Insurance money!"

                      She paused for a minute tracing her
                      fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me?
                      Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

                      Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
                      The ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
                      Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

                      Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
                      blow job I promised you?"

                      "Here it comes."

                      Comment


                      • #86
                        When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

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                        • #87
                          Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

                          The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

                          Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

                          Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

                          "Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

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                          • #88
                            A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not *** but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

                            The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

                            ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

                            ''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

                            ''Keep going!''

                            I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. ****! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

                            She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

                            I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and **** there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

                            She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

                            ''What next?'' begged the bartender.

                            I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

                            Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

                            I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

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                            • #89
                              A family were driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry.....that was just an insect." To which Johnny replies "I'm surprised it could get off the f ucking ground with a cock like THAT........!!"

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                              • #90
                                A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
                                The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
                                The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
                                The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
                                The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
                                The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
                                When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
                                1/3 ownership in the shop ....
                                A company car...
                                Five home cooked dinners a week ..
                                And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

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