The Jokes and Gag thread

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In a tiny village on the Kerry coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to O'Malley the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local Post Master) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed O'Malley that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her headstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as O'Malley the undertaker & the postal clerk went to prepare the headstone that the lady had requested.
It soon became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED."

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.
"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing,
" And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.
" And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied,


"Because they taste better without the sh1t inside!"

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Sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[mogman]

Sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

you go steady there marathon man

Mog

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Wise Italian Grandpa

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass
their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to
take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How
about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be
runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a
big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man." Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'


THE JEWISH GRANDMA

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.
I am in apartment 301.There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"WHAT!!!! . . . You coming empty handed?"



Mrs O'Malley Snr

Lisa O'Malley was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lisa's grandma Mrs O'Malley Snr came by.

Grandma O Malley asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lisa told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma O'Malley said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma O Malley , he was bewildered and exclaimed,

"Wow, still going at it at your age?

How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma O'Malley replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman collapsed.

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Well if Mummy can be a bond girl I can be Robin...............

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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[ianoz]

A "Little Johnny's-----little Sister" story-----


Subject: Fwd: The stuttering kitten

THE STUTTERING KITTEN FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW.


A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary,"

The little girl said, "It sure was.

My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she
could say SHIT the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

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AFTERNOON SEX

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!"
Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"







"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously - Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its bum.'

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f#*cking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f#*cking beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f#*cking business.

[Wazza]

Global warming

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