The Jokes and Gag thread

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[ianoz]

New Orleans Crabs...
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't dumb like some men think.

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[ianoz]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Yearswent by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said,'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!




Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

[ianoz]

Origin of "Olympics"

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great,
but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on
drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics."

And that's the truth! Believe it....OR NOT!!!!

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It's not difficult to make a woman happy...
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10.. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

Without forgetting to...

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

And at the same time you must always...

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

It is very important to...

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



How to make a man happy:

1.Turn up naked.
2.Bring alcohol.

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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'


I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

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Glasgaaa Budgie

A man buy’s a Budgie, It keeps repeating
“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel
Puts it in the cage and said “Let’s see how hard you are now”
Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie said
“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”
Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage
Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie said
“Am a Glesga Budgie am hard as f**k”
Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage





Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?
Budgie says “Hid tae take ma jaikit aff fur that C**T”

[ianoz]

I Did what she said .

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I am still looking for a place to live.

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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if shecould have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.


The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No,"replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes,"said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that shewas really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night,when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bl@*&y darts team had nay"

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, my Lord." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

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[ianoz]

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