The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later,
He is lying in a hospital bed. He's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty
extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to
my Sister.
" Is she a plastic surgeon ?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,"She's a flute player.
She'll teach you where to put your fingers so You don't piss in your face !

[Stock]

A petrol station owner in Tralee was trying to increase his sales.


So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon O'Malley pulled
in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

O'Malley guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, O'Malley, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. O'Malley guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Paddy said to Mick, 'I think that game is rigged
and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Mick replied, 'No it ain't, ......... It's not rigged 'tall at 'tall. My wife
won twice last week.'

[Stock]

Screams of Passion

The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I Made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body With special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made Her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
O'Malley said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know,,all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
O'Malley replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[Stock]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8Z8Y0g0cEQ

[ianoz]

Purely Coincidental

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass
of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... Iam
celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked,
'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist
told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of
my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Wazza]

Horror On The Freeway Today .

Today while driving on the Freeway I looked over to my left , and behold there was a Woman In a brand new Ford Focus Doing 110 kilometers per hour With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway across my lane and still working on that makeup.

As a man I don't scare very easy , But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear
which then fell into the coffee between my legs ,which in turn splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins .

Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.


bloody women drivers!!

[Wazza]

One liners wanting to know WHY??

---

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked my how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what is the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster that sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on the remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. But, tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______

[ianoz]

Irish Logic at its best at work
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
...
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred .

[Stock]

EXccellleeeenntttttttttt love it
Hey MUZ what about some dancing bananas smiley types

[Muz]

EXccellleeeenntttttttttt love it
Hey MUZ what about some dancing bananas smiley types

Now sor .. ye know dat bananas grow on trees ? dont ye ?

[Stock]

Now sor .. ye know dat bananas grow on trees ? dont ye ?

bananas.JPG

[Wazza]

Warning ,Bananas are dangerous and can easily kill you if provoked ..

banana.jpg

[ianoz]

Chinese sick leave “i no come work today!!!”

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work.”;

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try
that.”;

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house!!”;

[ianoz]

* * * * Do You Believe In Genies? * * * *


A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”

“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”

“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.

“Consider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.

“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied.

“And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”

LOL

[Wazza]

Did you see that ?? ........

A farmer became increasingly worried about traffic speeding along the road next to his farm.
He contacted the local authorities and explained that he was afraid that a car might hit a stray cow or his tractor, so they agreed to put up a sign to slow traffic down.
They put up a slower speed limit sign, but the traffic continued to speed along.
The next week they added a sign saying 'Pedestrian Crossing', but still the traffic sped quickly by.
A week later they erected a new sign reading 'SLOW - Children at Play', yet even this had no effect on the speeding cars.
The farmer told the police and the workmen he had an idea, and he was going to make his own sign and put it up.
The next day the policeman stopped by and was amazed as he watched the traffic creep slowly by along the farm road.
Looking up he saw that the new sign read ,

Caution
Nudist Colony