The Jokes and Gag thread

[Muz]

Go on then .. whos first ?

[Stock]

This is Gold - don't you just love the way these type of projects usually have a better solution


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before it, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that — one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”, says one of the workers.

[Stock]

Condom factory burns down in N.Z.Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!
I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!
PM: "SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?"
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!!
That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!"
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;
10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small writing on each one...
MADE IN AUSTRALIA
- SIZE: MEDIUM

[Stock]

Two woman talking in heaven1st Woman:
Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm
Sylvia. How did you die?
>
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped
shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched and then down into the
cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I
just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be
alive!!!

[Stock]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,???'Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'???
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.?
They say,???
'Hi, we're hookers!?
Do you want to have some fun?'???
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,???
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,?
'I may have a solution to your problem.???
I have two male talking parrots,???
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.???
Bring your two parrots over to my house,???
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.???
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,???
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .???
That phrase . . In no time.'???
Thank you,' the woman responded,?
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,???
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.???
As he ushered her in,?
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.???
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.???
After a few minutes,???
The female parrots cried out in unison:???
Hi, we're hookers!?
Do you want to have some fun?'???
There was stunned silence.???
Shocked,???
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot?
And exclaimed,???
'Put the beads away, Frank.???
Our prayers have been answered

[Stock]

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[ianoz]

I know where you come up with some of the stock , but the source for the rest is pure gold .Great stuff .

[Stock]

---

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand

[Stock]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender t ells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ....'


The bear, very angry now, says,


'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'


The bartender says,


'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as pr omised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states,


'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

'I'm not on drugs.'


(You're gonna love this...)










































The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a "barbitchyouate"

[Stock]

Later on the teacher wanting to get to know the children decided to ask a few questions about their families she asked Mary what does your father work at he's a builder miss ok can you spell Builder yes miss builder thats good here's a sweet. Next she asks tommy what does your father work at he's a sheet metal worker can you spell sheet metal worker eh. shi no no try again shi no no go up and write it on the blackboard, so when waiting she asks Danny what does your daddy do he's a bookmaker miss and can you spell bookmaker no miss but I bet you 6/4 your man writes shite on the blackboard!

[ianoz]

A woman goes to meet her boyfriend parents for the first time , They sit down to the meal ,after a short time ,Thanks to the Broccoli casserole her guts start churning , so she quietly lets out a dainty little fart .The boyfriends father looks under the table and shouts SKIPPY !!!! at the dog . Relieved of her embarrasment , she gives a little yes !!! in head head , Soon she needs to relieve the mounting pressure so once more she lets out a=nother fart ,louder than the first .
Once again the boyfriends father looks under the table and shouts SKIPPY !!!!!!!!!!...

Next time feeling totally blameless she lets a ripper of a fart go .


The boyfriends father Looks under the table yet again and Shout SKIPPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!




GET to hell away from her







before she shits all over you

[Muz]

A Glasgow man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer??"

No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde..."

[Muz]

For our over the Pond Cousins

This guy is heading home from work after a long work day, and on the approach to a little 2-lane bridge, gets stopped by a radar equipped motorcycle cop. He pulls over, and gets his license and registration ready as the cop walks up to his window.

"Going to a fire?" the cop asks, followed by "The speed you were going, I should forget the ticket and haul you off to jail." The guy rolls his eyes a bit, but says nothing, handing over the license and registration.

"You rich college boys are all alike," the cop says, and walks back to run the documents. After radioing everything in he comes back to the window.

"So, what's the story?" he asks. "Why are you in such a rush?"

Guy says "Well, officer, you see, I've had kind of a long day at work, and I'm tired and hungry. I'm just heading home to get dinner and go to bed."

"And what kind of work do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

Cop looks confused. "What's that?"

The guy continues, innocently: "A rectum stretcher. You see people pay me to stretch their rectums. I start with a little oil, and massage around teh sphincter, and pretty soon I get one finger in. A little more and I get a second finger along side, then a third. A little more oil, and I can get a finger from the other hand, and then I start gently stretching it. Eventually, I get both hands in, and start really stretching it open."

Cop looks flabbergasted. "How big can you stretch it?"

"Sometimes five, maybe six feet."

Cops mouth drops open, then he asks "What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

"Well, usually you give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."

[Muz]

theres a special reason why I like this Joke



A man goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him, she makes her way across the aisle and says hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my mates stag party that i screwed on the pool table with everyone watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"


She said "no, I'm your son’s maths teacher."

[Stock]

An Irishman is rowing a boat in a field of hay another irishman drives past and stops ,he looks at the irishman in the boat and says "its thick buggers like you that give us a bad name" Id come over and kick the f**k out of you if only i could swim !!!