The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust.... "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!!"

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The Importance of walkingWalking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years oldto spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $4,000 per month.My grandpa started walkingfive miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years oldand we have no idea where the hell he is.I like long walks,especially when they are takenby people who annoy me.The only reason I would take up walkingis so that I could hear heavy breathing again.I have to walk early in the morning,before my brain figures out what I'm doing...I joined a health club last year,spent about 250 bucks.Haven't lost a pound.Apparently you have to go there!Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',I wash my mouth out with chocolate.I do have flabby thighs,but fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every dayis so when you die, they'll say,'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'If you are going to try cross-country skiing,start with a small country.I know I got a lot of exercisethe last few years,......just getting over the hill.We all get heavier as we get older,because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.ANDEvery time I start thinking too muchabout how I look,I just find a pub with a Happy Hourand by the time I leave,I look just fine.

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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Can you believe it?

Tax office - has sent my income tax return form back to me because In response to question # 4. - "Do you have any Dependants?"


I replied:


.1 million illegal immigrants

.20k wasters

.4 million unemployable people

9 thousand people in over 5 prisons

and 170 idiots in Government.............



Apparently, this is NOT an acceptable answer. -

So who did I miss ????

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[muchmud]

Whens it going to stop ruddy raining which is enough to p... anyone off but now we're being warned that stand pipes (effectively water rationing ) may be bought in shortly here in glorious Essex U.K. I'm ankle deep in the ruddy stuff out back, the barn floor is awash and timber is drifting around like a DIY logging op and stand pipes......for f..ks sake.

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Whens it going to stop ruddy raining which is enough to p... anyone off but now we're being warned that stand pipes (effectively water rationing ) may be bought in shortly here in glorious Essex U.K. I'm ankle deep in the ruddy stuff out back, the barn floor is awash and timber is drifting around like a DIY logging op and stand pipes......for f..ks sake.

This is no feckin joke....................

[muchmud]

This is no feckin joke....................

shuddup

[ianoz]

The Best Gunfighter in the West

Jimmy wanted to be the best gunfighter alive in the Old West. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

So Jimmy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Jimmy did what he was told, and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow!! - that really helped! Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah - if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will," said the old man.

Jimmy did what he was told, and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Man! - this is really helping, no end! Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

Young Jimmy didn't hesitate and started putting the grease on the gun barrel.

"No, no - the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man - "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine - and if it's well greased, it won't hurt as much."
__________________

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The thoughts of that invokes the idea of pain...............

[q4016lanz]

Good advice

[ianoz]

See if you can work all this out:



There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a long driveway, down to a large red light, at the bottom of the hill.




There were four men ...

One man was walking briskly up the hill;

One man was inside the brothel;

One man was walking slowly down the hill, and ...

The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.



What were the nationalities of the four men??















1. The man going up the hill, was Rushin' ..

2. The man in the brothel: Him-A-Layin' ..

3. The man walking down the hill, he was Finish ...

















Now wait for it ........................................... !!!!!!




















4. The man in the car at the bottom of the hill, was Irish ... and he was waiting for the light to turn green!!

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2 women are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

2 men are having a pint and catching up....

So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bl@*&y fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pithed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

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Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and
add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. !

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