Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Jokes and Gag thread

Collapse
This is a sticky topic.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • BEST PICK UP LINE EVER



    An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
    'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
    The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
    ''What's so special about it?'
    The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
    The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
    The woman giggles and replies
    'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
    The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
    'bl@*&y thing's an hour fast'
    A driven man with a burning passion.

    Comment


    • A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
      As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
      Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not any where near.
      As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
      Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
      He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
      Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
      He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going toshit yourself when I tell you the price!"

      Comment


      • A driven man with a burning passion.

        Comment


        • During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
          ""Well said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, n a bucket to the patient n ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

          "Oh I understand" I said. "A normal would use the bucket cuz its bigger then spoon or cup..







          "No" said director, "A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?"
          A driven man with a burning passion.

          Comment


          • A driven man with a burning passion.

            Comment


            • SOOO FREAKING GOOD......had to "post" again for the newbies, just in case they missed it! ♥

              Oh my f*ng GAWD - I just found this in my inbox. I have no idea where it came from, but whoever you are - THANK YOU! This is TOO freaking FUNNY people! Read it! Read it NOW! Bwahahahahaha!

              JUL 12 THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY

              Written by Anna. Posted in Marriage

              Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

              It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

              He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

              We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

              That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
              On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …

              My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

              The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

              “Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

              “Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

              How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

              Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
              People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it’s way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

              Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

              “What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

              “I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

              “What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

              “Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

              It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
              Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

              We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

              He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

              I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

              Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

              “Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

              “Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
              “Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

              *toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
              “I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

              “Okay, are you sure you’re …”

              “I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

              This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

              Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

              But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s laying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me


              Comment


              • A driven man with a burning passion.

                Comment


                • An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

                  He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
                  Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman.
                  So, instead of 72 virgins - who also won't know what to do, sexually - can I have 72 whores instead?"

                  Allah stared at him for a moment, then replied, "Your Islamic teachers got it all wrong."
                  The 72 virgins are here in heaven, because ass-holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
                  So your punishment here is to service them.
                  Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

                  The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be, to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

                  And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"
                  A driven man with a burning passion.

                  Comment


                  • Determined case of suicide.jpg

                    Comment


                    • Dan & Muzz in a lift

                      A driven man with a burning passion.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Stock View Post
                        Haha I know that clip.... but its region restricted mate and wont play .. see if I can get one that works brb

                        Comment


                        • Try this one

                          Please don't PM me for plant advice.. thanks .. Post in the forum where I will gladly help, as will many of our contributors.. as the info and responses will help everyone else, which is why we exist

                          Comment


                          • A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do
                            you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud
                            voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the
                            students in the library started staring at the guy. He was truly
                            embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly
                            to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know
                            what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed
                            right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500
                            FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library
                            looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: "I
                            study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”

                            Comment


                            • God was missing for six days.





                              Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

                              He inquired, "God, Where have you been?"

                              God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

                              Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

                              "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it." I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

                              "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

                              God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
                              Balance in all things."

                              God continued pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

                              The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

                              "That's Brisbane, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Queenland are going to be handsome, modest,
                              intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
                              They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

                              Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

                              God smiled, "I will create Canberra. Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."

                              Comment


                              • I know I'm quite emotional anyway, even so this story especially touched me......
                                A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving,
                                packed with other last minute shoppers.
                                Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from
                                a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen.
                                She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
                                She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used
                                it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
                                The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery
                                shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond
                                necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would
                                get it for you...?"
                                His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and
                                stifling a sob she whispered: "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
                                "Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X