The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

Compliments of Ian

[ianoz]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.."

[Stock]

Magic Sandals



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around
the market looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper (with a Jamaican accent) say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Stock]

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD DAY........

[Stock]

[Stock]

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence
MAN: Oh .hit......

[ianoz]

The first picture ,Ireland ??????? Come on now

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Two little old ladies were visiting the zoo one day and were attracted to the giraffe display inside a fenced area. A big male giraffe wandered over where they were and backed up to the fence, squatted a little and began scratching his butt on the fence. His family jewels were just above the little old ladies heads and swinging gently to and fro. Both ladies looked up and smiled. One of them took off her gloves and carefully reached up and lifted them up and down a couple times. The giraffe let out a grunt and took off across the pen, jumped the fence and disappeared over the hill. The zoo keeper came running over to the ladies and said, "Good lord ladies, what did you do to that giraffe?". The lady that took off her gloves said" I looked up and saw his jewels just above my head so I just reached up gently and lifted them a couple times and he just ran away. The zoo keeper reached down, unbuckled his belt , dropped his drawers and said " Here lady, would you lift these, I gotta go catch that damned thing."

[Stock]

[ianoz]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

[ianoz]

A Welsh accountant decides to get away from the rat race and buys a small
farm in one of the valleys. He invests in half-a-dozen sheep, hoping to
breed them but after several weeks, he notices that none of them seem to be
pregnant, so he phones a vet for help.

The vet asks about his ram and when the farmer admits he doesn’t have one,
the vet says he’ll have to use artificial insemination instead.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are
pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie
down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself, so he
loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs
each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. ‘Try
again,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home,
falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying
down in the grass.


"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn!"

[ianoz]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said:
'Sita here ana leta me tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's a gonna try an a kiss you, you are a gonna lika dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's a gonna try an a kiss your breasts, you are a gonna lika dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's a gonna try an a lay on topa you, you are a gonna really lika dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughterwent on herdate.


The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me,I just rolled him over,
got on top of him,and
disgraced HISa family!'
Nonna fainted!!

[ianoz]

A butcher in his shop, and he's really busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads 'Please give me 12 sausages and a pound of lamb. l have money in my mouth.' The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. 'What the hell are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake !', to which the guy responds 'Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key.'

[ianoz]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in at dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

And I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . She's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!