The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the
meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions
on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing
ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech
he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course. He then asked
her if she could tell him what hole he was playing, to which she replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole and you're a hole behind me. That must mean you're on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to playing his game.

On the back nine the same thing happened. He approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the
end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender told him that
she is a salesperson and plays the course often. He approached the lady and said, "Let
me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help on the course today. I understand
you're in the sales industry. I'm also in sales. What is it that you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said, and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor
and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She says to him, "See, I knew you would
laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he said. "I'm a toilet paper salesman. So, I guess that
still makes me a hole behind you!"

[ianoz]

What the Fire Commander Said!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this,
until you see what the Fire Commander says!!!!

In Macquarie Fields, NSW, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by a fire.

A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan , lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.
The couple survived the fire.


Germain Greer and Bob Brown were furious!!They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris’, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?



The Fire Commander said,

"They were at work."

[ianoz]

Re: Not funny
Reply #34 - Today at 13:17:30

Quote

.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"


"It's like talking to a f#$%ing brick wall."

[ianoz]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'



'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'



And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.



I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'



The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

> 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Stock]

[Stock]

http://thech

[ianoz]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.." ....

[ianoz]

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[Stock]

[Stock]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges €500 for the bull and €50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[ianoz]

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,"Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f*** out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Stock]

[Stock]

Farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.


He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[ianoz]

I haven’t quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

[Stock]

Prison vs Work

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.
IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.