The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[ianoz]

Bloke walks into general hospital, asks the receptionist if he can see an optician.
She replies "Yes sir. Jesus what's that smell?" He opens up a carrier bag and shows her a 12inch long by 3inch thick turd.
"I'd recommend that you need to see a doctor sir, not an optician" she replies.
He says, "No I definitely need to see an optician", so she points him in the right direction. Along the way he gets lost and comes across a doctor.
"Can you tell me which is the optician's office?" he asks.
"Yes it's that door on your left", says the doc. "Jesus what the f--k is that smell?" Bloke opens bag and shows him.
"You really need to see me mate, not an optician".
"No, I'm definitely sure I need to see an optician" the bloke replies, so he knocks on the door and walks into the optician's office.
The optician looks up at the bloke and says "What can I do for you?" rapidly followed by "What the hell is that smell?" so the bloke opens the bag and shows him the turd.
"You need to see a doctor mate, not me", the optician says.
By now the bloke is really pissed off - "It's you I fu-----g need".
"OK, but what do you think I can do for you that a doctor can't?", replies the optician.
The bloke says "Every time I do one of these my eyes water. Do I need glasses?"

[ianoz]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck
by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken

[ianoz]

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

[ianoz]

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room.
>>She said yes.
>>When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used
>>his hand.
>>When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in
>>your hand?"
>>The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
>>scared away."
>>He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
>>him, "What do you have in your hand?"
>>
>>The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
>>he'll get scared away."
>>The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
>>He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,
>>you scared the shit out of him!"

[ianoz]

A man received a message from his Chinese neighbour:

"Sorry Sir, I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home - maybe using more than you are using. Now I feel very much guilt. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man shot his wife dead.....

A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry Sir...

spelling mistake..... wifi, not wife."

[Stock]

[Pinnacle]

A man received a message from his Chinese neighbour:

"Sorry Sir, I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home - maybe using more than you are using. Now I feel very much guilt. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man shot his wife dead.....

A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry Sir...

spelling mistake..... wifi, not wife."

Lol! After that he shot his wifi?

[ianoz]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette,more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill youtomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs
Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and
says,
"Listen Very
Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT
PUSSY!"

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[ianoz]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol; dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke; dead.
Third worm in sperm; dead.
Fourth worm in soil; alive.
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

[Stock]

[ianoz]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[ianoz]

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?" "Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."